[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.