Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.