Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
You Might Also Like
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k