ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
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“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
what does he know…
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words