5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
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My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.