My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
You Might Also Like
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
This anagram machine is out of order.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.