teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”