The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
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There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.