Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.