Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.