[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
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Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be