Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
You Might Also Like
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
birds and squirrels envy us
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.