*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
You Might Also Like
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Autocarrot sucks!
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things