3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
what are they serving at kfc then???
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.