Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
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Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes