Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

What?!?

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

how was your vacation

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.