Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
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Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?