“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
…..pretty much.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.