Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Bros before Ohioes
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me