There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!