“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–