One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.