Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
PER MY LAST EMAIL
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?