*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.