[at the general store]
me: one general please
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[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Muppet Screams
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
lol
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name