They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*