You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out