One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
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My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”