As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
You Might Also Like
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
The USS B port
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT