(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Breaking news:
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.