A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
You Might Also Like
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
your honor my client chooses dare
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat