Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.