If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
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True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
🤣🤣
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.