In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
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You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here