Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”