You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
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ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.