@jordan_stratton

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

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@oneawkwardmom

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

@notfunnyelle

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

@jjhartinger

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

@omically

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

@Tbone7219

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

@imdaintyaf

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

@Dakota_Conduct

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

@UnFitz

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

@UncleDuke1969

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.