My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
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Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.