Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
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They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Not😆🤣
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I didn’t come here to be called names
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”