man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Look at this