Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Whoa… oh I see lol
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.