@Playing_Dad

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

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@HatfieldAnne

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

@jlock17

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

@jordan_stratton

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

@CorkyKneivel

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

@GerryMcBride

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

@POTerritory

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@TheSharona06

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

@mejustbeth

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.