once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
You Might Also Like
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
🚲+physics = winner
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.