Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
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If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
figuring out my emotional availability:
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.