Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Everyone’s family
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I saw nothing
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.