I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?