kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
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“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
john wicks are toilet candles
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.