Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
This bar smells like my childhood.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.