Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.