domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
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The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.