‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
What about second breakfast?
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.