We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
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Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
This pepper has seen some shit
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
just having fun
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left