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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Realize this:
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I created you as mosquito food.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.